Building Bridges?

So, someone I consider to be a good friend just deleted me on Face Book. Not hid me, deleted me. I can't even reply to her now, because that was my only connection. Why did she delete me? Because she's a bridge builder, or so she says. Funny, I didn't think you built bridges with a torch in hand.

She didn't like my article about Natural Born Citizens, and how I came to the conclusion that the founders intended the Constitution to only allow people born of two American citizens to become President. Thought I was Xenophobic or something, because I thought it made sense that the possibility of being a dual citizen in charge of the nation's armed forces could be a reasonable conflict of interest. But no, she's an enlightened intellectual, and couldn't be bothered to actually deal with me on my well reasoned position. So instead of being honest with me, she just deleted me. As I say, funny way to build a bridge.

You see, I've been thinking a lot about building bridges lately. So here are some observations: first, you don't need to build bridges to people you agree with, you're already on the same side! So, when you're building a bridge you are only ever doing so with people you disagree with. Secondly, bridges must be built from both sides. You can build your bridge to the middle, but if one is not built in return, you'll never connect. Third, and most importantly, you have to be able to see your bridge "from the other side." Otherwise, you won't be able to build your bridge in the right direction.

That's all well and good fanciful fluff, but how about some more practical knowledge. Try this: the other person is always right. How's that you say? You're finally embracing post-modern nihilism? Hardly. What I mean is, the other person thinks they are right, just as you think you are right, and so you must treat them as such. That is, you must respect that they believe they are right, and act accordingly. No one will build a bridge back to you if they do not feel respected.

So, assuming she ever reads this, let me try applying these pearls of wisdom to the situation at hand. Case 1, I write a heartfelt and carefully considered piece detailing a nugget of knowledge I have recently gained, and I share it honestly and excitedly with my friends, and ask for and receive honest feedback (mostly negative, but honest) on my opinion and idea. I felt respected that other people considered my idea as something I was interested in, even though they disagreed. I felt respected that they were willing to share their disagreement with me. It was hard work, pushing past those disagreements to share honestly with them, and for them to respond in kind. We didn't change each other's minds. But we built a bridge!!! I now trust them a little more, and they trust me.

Except for my friend. She was offended by my piece, but she wouldn't tell me so. But I believe she was offended. That is, whether or not I think the offense was legitimate, she believed it so, and therefore it most certainly was, to her at the least. And when you're building bridges, that's all that matters! And so if you ever read this, know that I did not intend to offend, if you can accept that. Know that I accept you were offended, and I only wish you had trusted me enough to tell me so. I also wish that you had given me the trust to recognize that I honestly believed in my work. You cannot build bridges any other way, and it takes the sting out of the offense to be molded in this way. To know someone is honestly committed to an idea that you find offensive can give you the strength to hold that connection, but it still takes work and you must continually try at it.

Case 2. A current event initiated by a group of people has our family in a stir. This group has caused offense, yet they and their supporters refuse to recognize the offense. They do not wish to build a bridge, or give the offended the respect of holding honest feelings of offense. A writer pens an article detailing exactly where the offense comes from, in an effort to enlighten those who do not understand the source of the grief. My wife posts said article on *her own* wall. Our friend reads and takes her own offense at the article. But instead of respecting that my wife indeed holds these things honestly and openly, and reacting as such, she blatantly insinuates she is a bigot. After my wife, who has had it with being slandered as a racist, bigot, etc., without so much as a single shred of evidence, lets our friend know that she's had it with being slandered as a racist, bigot, etc., without so much as a shred of evidence, our friend the bridge builder deletes us from her friends list.

Was she honestly offended by the article in question? I believe so. Was she justified in insinuating my wife is a bigot? Maybe she honestly believes it to be so, but she did not respect her enough to say so honestly to her face. "But you know so much about building bridges, why couldn't you build one with her?" you say. Ah, but remember it takes two to build a bridge.